fulawar field :: version 12

I haven't been here since...well...forever. well...I have a xanga I write in you wanna read. IF anyone still comes here.

Happy New Year. It's already 2005. I can't believe it. Okay...actually I accept that it's 2005, the weird thing is that it is january. I know it's weird, but I can't believe it's january. Already almost half way done with...does time go by that fast? I know it's been hectic for me the last month or so...but still. It's kind of...surreal. Can't believe I'm 23 now. I'm so OLD! I'm a grandma dammit. I have a feeling when I'm like 30 or something I'm gonna finally be like, I'm still so young.

I have been totally neglecting this blog, as if anyone cares... I just seem to forget I have it now. Well not exactly forget...but more like don't care I guess.

The days seem long yet short...can't believe it's already march. Does time fly by just like that, without even considering me? I feel like I'm missing out on so much, at where I am right now. I wonder if my parents even understand that? They still see me as the 5 year old kid who hung onto there pant leg. I'm 22...my brother was married at that age...my friends have toddlers right now...and what do I have? A headache...that's what I have.

It's snowing right now. It makes me feel like I'm in a snowglobe...

ah...I'm so tired. I don't know why...but no matter how much I rest, I still feel so...blah. Emotionally I've been feeling a bit better then before. I heard some new that wasn't the best in the world, but it was better then what it could of been. And that alone helps to left this huge weight that I tried to ignore on my shoulder.

Funny thing happened, I was working and someone from the last table I waited called me. He's I'm from the big table in the back and was just calling to see if you'd like to go to the movies with me. I'm thinking...what the hell? I didn't even know who this guy is, and he expected me to say yes? I didn't know what to say to be honest...I kind of held the phone looking at it as if that was gonna help. I actually didn't say anything for a while in hopes he might hang up, but no such luck. In the end I said I was sorry and that I alreay had a boyfriend. The fun and excitment that is my job continues...

I started watching prince of tennis again...a week to watch two episodes. Wow...now I remember why I stopped. But I can't stop now...well atleast not before I see ryoma play against yuuta. What episode is that on anyways?

What do I do...? I'm so lost right now. I don't really think my brain fully comprehends what my mom told me today. What am I going to do... I really wish I had a shoulder to lean on right now... I can't cry in front of my mom cause i wanna be strong for her... I still can't believe anything...I don't want to believe anything. Please...oh god...don't do this to me.

I saw my mom cry for the first time in what seemed my whole life. She just sat down on the couch said a few words, and when I turned around there she was, trying to cover her face. I feel so lost. I didn't know what to do. I feel so shelthered from everything that I don't even know what to do to comfort her. I rarely saw her that day, and I have a feeling she was some place hiding, crying... I guess I labeled her as being so strong I sometimes forget that something not even she can handle. My mind keeps on wandering, making up these pyschotic ideas of what might happen and such, and then question why I would even think such a thing. As if I expect the worst and think they can only be better... Guess for now I'll just have to take a deep breath and smile. Cause that's the best thing I can do for now... (sorry if my entry makes no sense...)

It's COLD!!! It's snowed yesterday. I don't want it to snow, I hate cold. Need a nice thick jacket for the winter now... Pokey has a pretty new layout...I want a new layout too. But too lazy to make one...I'll probably end up forgetting all about it eventually anyways...so I guess it doesn't matter. Okay then...I'm tired and my tummy hurts...okay...another short makes no sense blog.

I'm here for my monthly blog...or so it seems. Yesterday me and my mom did kimjang. Ah...my right shoulder is killing me today. It's from all that mu.

I haven't talk to anyone online for so long...I miss you guys... *sniffles* I hope everyone is well... I finally decided to blog...and I'm too tried to blog...well...then...hopefully I'll blog sometime soon. bye people...

*sniffles* I think my sister in law gave me a cold. She came down this weekend with my brother and grandma with a cold. As weird as it may sound, I think my dog has a cold. I think we might have to go to the vet to get a checkup or something... This is the first time I've ever though a dog might have a cold. But hey...they a living thing too...what makes them so special as not to catch such a common thing. Right? I don't know...blah...I'm a bit out of it. Woke up with a headache.

Well...I pretty much gave up on my diet. I lost a total of about 7 pound. Not bad...I guess. Now I only have 25 more to lose. ^^;;;

I finally got a job. I'm a waitress... *drops head* Hey...I'm at home, in a town with a population of 2500, I'm lucky I even found a job. I'm just trying to save up some money and while I'm at it, help around the house. My dad hasn't been feeling too well, so I follow around like the translator. What fun...right? I've been working for a month and already got asked out by a 50 year old guy. --;;; I once said to a teenager that he was adorable, making him blush and be made fun of by his friends (aren't I nice). I guess those are the perks. ^^;;; Also...two cooks and one dishwasher has been lets just say...giving me the eye...and did I mention they don't speak english...help me. Oh well...I'm probably quitting in a few months anyways.

Well...I'm done. You can go back to your lives now...

I've been looking through other peoples blog and it made it realize...I'm really lazy. x.x Okay...i didn't need to do that to realize I was lazy...but still. I don't even know what I do all day. I can't be doing nothing for that long...right? Okay...so everyone's right...I don't blog. I tell myself to blog but the only problem is...I'm also a big procrastinator...

Pokey showed me her piccie...(late reaction...>.<). Only problem...she didn't tell me which was her...so I guess till I find out...I'll just pick the pokiest one in the group and convince myself that's her. *pokepoke...pokepoke* Hey...I have a 33% chance of getting it right...right?

Okay...time for update on my very fun diet. Well I gained 5 pounds, lost 11, then gained 3 back. So basically...I lost 4 pounds in 3 months. Ah...someone kill me. The diet is getting harder and harder to do...the cravings...the cravings...*opens a carton of ben and jerry's ice cream* ^^;;;

Been a while since I bought any clothes...so I bought a couple t-shirts yesterday. yup...together they came to about $6. Big spender...that's me. ^^;;; They were just comfy shirts...I don't think I should spend a whole lot of money for shirts only people at home will see.

Okay time for bed...

Streets are already dead right now. I guess that's what I get for living here. Today is july 24th. A mormon holiday... --;;;

I don't know why people complain when I don't blog. My life is like the most boring day you've ever had on repeat. You don't have to have me to tell you what I did to know. It's probably the same thing I did last year. Sit eat sleep. Maybe people just like to read people go on about nothing...

I have been really cranky lately. I don't know why. My mom just seems to be pushing my buttons. I hate being the youngest, cause when they are pissed, they blow off there steam on me. Like I was born to take there crap. And when I snap back, oh...what I bad kid I am. Well I learned how to be this way from them so they can just kiss my big fat... okay...cross that. I shouldn't be so uptight about this. Maybe I just need some room. Some time away from them to breath. Dammit...I should of gone to cali with my brother. Too late to regret it now.

Pokey lied!!!! You didn't show me your pic. I'm so hurt...sniffles...

What a day. Started walking to make up for the fact that I sit around on my butt all day long. Usually go up this hill, but decided to go beyond what I usually do. Boy was it a bad idea. Had no fricken end to it. When I think I'm almost there, there's more eventually I had enough and decided to go down, but it was too steep to go. Let me tell you, if you can't see the bottom of the hill from where you're standing, it's not a good path to decided to go down at. Worse of all, even worse then being stuck on the damn hill was that I sudden started smelling a skunk. Okay...I did not want to find out if there was one or not, so the first spot I found to be okay, I got my ass down from that place. Shish...what a trip. Never going that way again.

My wrist has been hurting for about a month or so. Don't know what's wrong with it. Been hurting more lately. Just when I move it mostly. Like when I rotate or lean on it, or hold something heavy. Hmmm...maybe that's the reason. I'm abusing it. x.x Ah...I don't know. Maybe it's just posessed.

I don't know why I have a blog. I have nothing to fill it in with. My life is pretty much plain and simple. I'm not going through any problems. My life isn't fucking me over in anyway. Nothing exciting has happen to me...no one 'important' in my life to talk about. Just a day in day out, dull life with nothing to look forward to other then the next day. Nothing goes on, and I guess I've become used to the fact that my life is dull...

Currently on a diet, that I've stuck with for two weeks. Which I must say is a first. Only problem is I gained 2 pounds. x.x somthing tells me I'm doing something wrong. Oh well...I was planning on doing it for three months, and I'm gonna stick to it...I hope...

On a closing note...Jaejin has a new album out?!?

Ooh...pretty layout pokey. Hikaru no go ^^ can't wait to see the anime...that is after I clean out the junk on my compy so it doesn't decided to crash on me anymore. ^^;;; I made a banner on it a while back. Not too good, but I still like it for some reason.

Lifes good lifes great. Just thought I'd write that so people don't think I'm dead. I'm here in my small town with population of 2,500 sitting in front of my computer at 3 am planning the many ways to kill myself. --;;; But besides the allergies driving me wild, and having to kill what appeared to be the damn king of all the mesqitoes I'm good. I have a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. I seem to fo gain some weight, which isn't a good thing, but it's saying I'm eating well. ^^;;;

ah I'm miserable. I think I caught a cold...again! The thing is, I'm not sure if it's a cold or my allergies. Or maybe it's a mixture of both. If it is a cold, this would be twice in the same month. Or maybe it never really went away, and just decided to show itself right now. --;;; My throat hurts. *whimpers* I hate being sick.

Ah...a new layout for the blog I never use. ^^;;;

Well...been gone for a couple weeks to a place with no computers. A scary place I tell you. ^^;;; Just got home to find pokey sent me slam dunk!!! *_* Thank you thank you thank you. Pokey jjang! Muah. ^^ Must watch...now...all... x.x Oh...just recently started getting into hikaru no go. pokey's rubbing off on me. I must say...I do like it. Been reading the manga and...getting real impatient with slow computer. ^^;;; Oh well...good think I have sd to watch while it dls. ^^